Is is as if life or reality itself has had it in mind all along to unravel the very design i have been trying all along to impose on it.
When he heard laughter, before he could think or feel anything, his heart would already be beating like he__ sprinted twenty yards. As the beating slowly normalized he__ think of how his heart, unlike him, was safely contained, away from the world, behind bone and inside skin, held by muscles and arteries in its place, carefully off-center, as if to artfully assert itself as source and creator, having grown the chest to hide in and to muffle and absorb__nd, later, after innovating the brain and face and limbs, to convert into productive behavior__ts uncontrollable, indefensible, unexplainable, embarrassing squeezing of itself.
Taipei
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When he heard laughter, before he could think or feel anything, his heart would already be beating like he__ sprinted twenty yards. As the beating slowly normalized he__ think of how his heart, unlike him, was safely contained, away from the world, behind bone and inside skin, held by muscles and arteries in its place, carefully off-center, as if to artfully assert itself as source and creator, having grown the chest to hide in and to muffle and absorb__nd, later, after innovating the brain and face and limbs, to convert into productive behavior__ts uncontrollable, indefensible, unexplainable, embarrassing squeezing of itself.
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Now, however open a person manages to be, there is one possibility to which he remains as closed as ever: the possibility that when he uncovers his deepest anxieties he will find hidden inside them certain horrifying truths which his whole effort to control his life has been designed to keep repressed.
When we operate on the basis of the will to control, we are aware of only one kind of "evil": the failure of existence to conform to the plan we have for it.
What we work so hard to avoid is the shattering of our lives by horrors we know we will be helpless to control.
An uncertain evil causes anxiety because, at the bottom of one's heart, one goes on hoping till the last moment that it may not be true; a certain evil, on the other hand, instills, for a time, a kind of dreary tranquillity.
I can't believe what a state I got myself into over this. Everyone was right. They said it would just happen, and it did. I guess the best things do.