Christopher Moore

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry, you can't have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that's never going to happen again.

Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.You should be nice to people, even creeps.And if you:a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)b) he had come to save you from sin (and)c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)then you would:e) live foreverf) someplace niceg) probably heavanHowever, if you:h) sinned (and/or)i) were a hypocrite (and/or)j) valued things over people (and)k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,then you were:l) fucked

In business, as in politics, the public is ever so tolerant of those who slime.

...and thus he found his single source of joy in the society of other people: frightening the girls with his penis.

Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say "attaboy".

Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There__ no such place.

I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.

I love you above all things, even pie.

She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.

There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.

Which isn__, like, as bad as it sounds, because the general public kind of sucks ass.

It__ sarcasm, Josh.___arcasm?___t__ from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren__ really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.___ell, if the village idiot named it, I__ sure it__ a good thing.___here you go, you got it.___ot what?___arcasm.___o, I meant it.___ure you did.___s that sarcasm?___rony, I think.___hat__ the difference?___ haven__ the slightest idea.___o you__e being ironic now, right?___o, I really don__ know.___aybe you should ask the idiot.___ow you__e got it.___hat?___arcasm.

If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.

People, generally, suck.

Stephenie Meyer: Her vampires are sparkly, which I think we can all agree is wrong.

Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.

Everyone thinks that it was the big strong caveman who got the girl, and for the most part, that may have been true, but physical strength doesn't explain how our species created civilization. I think there was always some scrawny dreamer sitting at the edge of the firelight, who had the ability to imagine dangers, to look into the future in his imagination and see possibilities, and therefore survived to pass his genes on to the next generation. When the big ape men ended up running off the cliff or getting killed while trying to beat a mastodon into submission with a stick, the dreamer was standing back thinking 'Hey, that might work, but you need to run the mastodon off the cliff.' And, then he'd mate with the women left over after the go-getters got killed.