Helen Fielding

Eventually, I manage to cheer Mum up by allowing her to go through my wardrobe and criticize all my clothes...

It's all chop-change chop-change with you. Either go out with me and treat me nicely, or leave me alone. As I say, I am not interested in fuckwittage.

I mean, I haven't rushed to the answerphone once to see if anyone's aware of my existence in the world!

Is the whole world doomed to emotional trauma?

When he's hot, he's hot; when he's not, he's not. But at least there is always food

Why, when people are leaving their partners because they're having an affair with someone else, do they think it will seem better to pretend there is no one else involved? Do they think it will be less hurtful for their partners to think they just walked out because they couldn't stand them any more and then had the good fortune to meet some tall Omar Sharif-figure with a gentleman's handbag two weeks afterwards while the ex-partner is spending his evenings bursting into tears at the sight of the toothbrush mug? It's like those people who invent a lie as an excuse rather than the truth, even when the truth is better than the lie.