humor

What if there's no such thing as PMS, and this is just my personality?

If at 1st you don't succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y' still won't succeed, but you sure as hell won't give a shift.

When men age they're called sophisticated. When women age they ain't called at all.

In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life.

Lust and love. They both put a fire in your damn shorts.

Maybe life does suck, Pork Chop, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.

Of course I believe in hell. I have three brothers.

Beauty is only skin deep, but who gives a shit what's under their skin anyway?

Don't worry. It's scientifically unlikely that the universe will explode into a million particles at any given moment.

I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.

I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet

Sometimes it's nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes.

There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste.

Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier.

Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a hell of a lot more effective in court. So your set, McMullen

A person without regrets is called a corpse.

Today's problems are yesterday's mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass.

Women have to be in the mood for sex. Men have to be breathing.