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insanity

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I was once asked if I had any ideas for a really scary reality TV show. I have one reality show that would really make your hair stand on end: "C-Students from Yale."George W. Bush has gathered around him upper-crust C-students who know no history or geography, plus not-so-closeted white supremacists, aka Christians, and plus, most frighteningly, psychopathic personalities, or PPs, the medical term for smart, personable people who have no consciences.To say somebody is a PP is to make a perfectly respectable diagnosis, like saying he or she has appendicitis or athlete's foot . . .PPs are presentable, they know full well the suffering their actions may cause others, but they do not care. They cannot care because they are nuts. They have a screw loose! . . .So many of these heartless PPs now hold big jobs in our federal government, as though they were leaders instead of sick. They have taken charge of communications and the schools, so we might as well be Poland under occup

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Logan looked at her and wondered how someone so beautiful could be so oblivious to their own beauty, how someone so smart could be so foolish to the extent of their own intellect and how someone so loving and compassionate could ever think she wasn__ worthy of love? It was like watching a blind man trapped and wandering aimlessly and helplessly in a scorching hot desert unable to see the small puddle of water that lay just a foot away. The only difference was that she had eyes. Two beautiful ones, yet she could not see. Is that what madness was? Was it to be able to view and appreciate every form of beauty but to be blind to the value and exquisiteness of one__ own? Logan believed in many forms of insanity but he knew in that instant watching her trembling frame on the train tracks that hers, that her illness, surpassed any clinical or psychological term known. Maybe she did suffer from depression or bipolar or schizophrenia. Who knew? All he was certain of in that moment that she suffered from no greater illness than the blindness of the heart.

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I have many lovers.Where ever I look, I find them.There is no place devoid of them.They are everywhere:In the enchanting Cottonwood trees,The rivers, the rocky roads, the hills, the mystic trails,The snow capped mountains,The skies, the clouds, the soaring Eagles,The blackness of night, as black as the Raven,The absolute brave Cactus,Listening to me, and the whispers I breathe.Where ever I, look I find them.There is no place devoid of them.My lovers are everywhere.They are everywhere:In the rains, the freezing winds,The sun, the moonlight,The darkness of despair,The days of pain and sorrow,They never leave me, or betray me,Or ever forsake me,Even in my unfaithfulness,They remain mine.Am I blessed, crazy, or blind?However much I dare,Even in those careless moments; they care.Where ever I look, I find them,There is no place devoid of them,My lovers are everywhere.They are everywhere:I close my eye__, I see them,They appear to me patiently,like some ancient melody,in my waking dreams, they are like wise prophets,twirling in compassionate dances of forgiveness.Allowing me my mistakes of existence,They give me, __e_,Reach for my fears, cradle and hold me.They are everywhere.I will regenerate,and shine through their presence.Through their guidance, from their quiet empowerment,I will gather myself, pick up my pride,Understand __ife_, and remember reality.Finally, when my __eing_ remains not with me,they will once again redefine, re-collect me,recreate the aura around me,find another place to replant me.They are everywhere.No place is devoid of them.Countless lovers.Their love: Omnipresent.Only if one can __ee_,These lovers are everywhere .

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And I do. I do wonder, I think about it all the time. What it would be like to kill myself. Because I never really know, I still can't tell the difference, I'm never quite certain whether or not I'm actually alive. I sit here every single day. Run, I said to myself. Run until your lungs collapse, until the wind whips and snaps at your tattered clothes, until you're a blur that blends into the background. Run, Juliette, run faster, run until your bones break and your shins split and your muscles atrophy and your heart dies because it was always too big for your chest and it beat too fast for too long and you run.Run run run until you can't hear their feet behind you. Run until they drop their fists and their shouts dissolve in the air. Run with your eyes open and your mouth shut and dam the river rushing up behind your eyes. Run, Juliette.Run until you drop dead. Make sure your heart stops before they ever reach you. Before they ever touch you.Run, I said.

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Very soon she'll join all the others who know the secret and will not tell it. Or cannot. Or try and fail because they do not know enough. They can be recognized. White faces, dazed eyes, aimless gestures, high-pitched laughter. The way they walk and talk and scream or try to kill (themselves or you) if you laugh back at them. Yes, they've got to be watched. For the time comes when they try to kill, then disappear. But others are waiting to take their places, it's a long, long line. She's one of them. I too can wait__or the day when she is only a memory to be avoided, locked away, and like all memories a legend. Or a lie ...

JR
Jean Rhys

Wide Sargasso Sea