Allie Brosh

-to me, the future doesn't seem real. It's just this magical place where I can put my responsibilities so that I don't have to be scared while hurtling toward failure at right hundred miles per hour.

Nobody can guarantee that it's going to be okay, but - and I don't know if this will be comforting to anyone else - the possibility exists that there's a piece of corn on a floor somewhere that will make you just as confused about why you were laughing as you have ever been about why you are depressed.

And finally - FINALLY - after a lifetime of feelings and anxiety and more feelings, I didn't have any feelings left. I had spent my last feeling being disappointed that I couldn't rent Jumanji.

It__ weird for people who still have feelings to be around depressed people. They try to help you have feelings again so things can go back to normal, and it__ frustrating for them when that doesn__ happen.

It__ disappointing to feel sad for no reason. Sadness can be almost pleasantly indulgent when you have a way to justify it.

When I say that deciding to not kill myself was the worst part, I should clarify that I don__ mean it in a retrospective sense. From where I am now, it seems like a solid enough decision. But at the time, it felt like I had been dragging myself through the most miserable, endless wasteland, and__ar in the distance__ had seen the promising glimmer of a slightly less miserable wasteland.

It__ a strange moment when you realize that you don__ want to be alive anymore.

I couldn't even muster the enthusiasm to hate myself anymore.

Slowly, my feelings started to shrivel up. The few that managed to survive the constant beatings staggered around like wounded baby deer, just biding their time until they could die and join all the other carcasses strewn across the wasteland of my soul.

And that's the most frustrating thing about depression. It isn't always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn't even something-it's nothing. And you can't combat nothing.

The beginning of my depression had been nothing but feelings, so the emotional deadening that followed was a welcome relief. I had always viewed feelings as a weakness-annoying obstacles on my quest for total power over myself. And I finally didn't have to feel them anymore.

There I was, casually wishing that I could stop existing in the same way you'd want to leave an empty room or mute an unbearably repetitive noise.

-to me, the future doesn't seem real. It's just this magical place where I can put my responsibilities so that I don't have to be scared while hurtling toward failure at eight hundred miles per hour.

I have a subconscious list of rules for how reality should work. I did not develop these rules on purpose, and most of them don__ make sense _ which is disturbing when you consider that they are an attempt to govern the behavior of reality _ but they exist, and they play a large role in determining how I react to the things that happen to me. Large enough that a majority of the feelings I feel are simply a reaction to reality not complying with my arbitrary set of rules. Reality doesn__ give a shit about my rules, and this upsets me.

YOU R sO bRUEtifUL...how R U so BRUTEfUL and good?

On a fundamental level, I am someone who would throw sand at children.

Most people can motivate themselves to do things simply by knowing that those things need to be done. But not me. For me, motivation is this horrible, scary game where I try to make myself do something while I actively avoid doing it. If I win, I have to do something I don't want to do. And if I lose, I'm one step closer to ruining my entire life. And I never know whether I'm going to win or lose until the last second.

Тo me, the future doesn__ seem real. It__ just this magical place where I can put my responsibilities so that I don__ have to be scared while hurtling toward failure at eight hundred miles per hour.