Billy Connolly

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' or the opening line from 'Born to be Wild' by Steppenwolf - 'Get your motor running...' The trike brings out that in all of us, which is no bad thing. Forget Viagra, get yourself a trike!

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one._"Don't vote. It just encourages them....

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

The human race has been set up. Someone somewhere is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

If you give people a chance, they shine.