Craig Ferguson

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.I do have a knack for finding great women.

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

The Universe is very, very big.It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever.Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.

Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn__ keep in touch. They__e probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

I don__ think there__ anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn__ fashionable.

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.