Dorothy Parker

Be you wise and never sad,You will get your lovely lad.Never serious be, nor true,And your wish will come to you--And if that makes you happy, kid,You'll be the first it ever did.

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.

They sicken of the calm who know the storm.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Now to me, Edith looks like something that would eat her young.

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

I find her anecdotes more efficacious than sheep-counting, rain on a tin roof, or alanol tablets.... you will find me and Morpheus, off in a corner, necking.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

MenThey hail you as their morning starBecause you are the way you are.If you return the sentiment,They'll try to make you different;And once they have you, safe and sound,They want to change you all around.Your moods and ways they put a curse on;They'd make of you another person.They cannot let you go your gait;They influence and educate.They'd alter all that they admired.They make me sick, they make me tired.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.

Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.

There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.", Summer 1956]

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.