Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses you would have sworn she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord in his wisdom didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.