Fran Lebowitz

Think before you speak. Read before you think.

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.

Chocolate is an excellent flavor for ice cream but both unreasonable and disconcerting in chewing gum.

There is one thing that has disappeared, not just from the U.S. but from the entire world, is the idea of ever being embarrassed by anything.

Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but on the whole, I am not to be counted among them. To put it bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Reading is better than life. Without reading, you__e stuck with life.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.

Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.