Henny Youngman

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.