Jerry Seinfeld

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. __ome on, buddy, let__ go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he__ got a spoon. Back off, I__e got the toe clippers right here.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.