Johnny Carson

Just be yourself -- it's the only way it can work.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

I know a man who gave up smoking drinking sex and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

If life was fair Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.