P.J. O'Rourke

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.

The Hollywooden heads would buy a car for almost any purpose except a worthy one. Many automobiles were purchased to attract members of LA's eight or ten opposite sexes. Since the denizens of America's Gomorrah, were incapable of verbalizing any idea more complex than "box office gross," the expensive car served as a substitute for witty come-on and seductive chat.

Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.

Political pundits are under professional obligation to regard the obvious as being too obvious.

We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it...

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

People are all exactly alike. There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed. George Bush and an Australian Aborigine have fewer differences than a Lhasa apso and a toy fox terrier. A Japanese raised in Riyadh would be an Arab. A Zulu raised in New Rochelle would be an orthodontist. People are all the same, though their circumstances differ terribly.

One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling.

The average IQ in America is__nd this can be proven mathematically__verage.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

Even I realized that money was to politicians what the eucalyptus tree is to koala bears: food, water, shelter, and something to crap on.

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.

We all know how 'modern democracies take loaves from the wealthy.' It's the slipups in the 'pass them out to the poor' department that inspire a study of Economics.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

The American political system is like fast food--mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things...and everybody wants some.

Americans appreciate bad taste or America wouldn__ look the way America does.