Red Skelton

I left home because I was hungry.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.

Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

His death was the first time that Ed Wynn ever made anyone sad.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.

There are three ages of man: youth middle age and "Gee you look good."