Stephen Colbert

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century's advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves.

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists__hey'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy.

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.

I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the furthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness: a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say 'no.' But saying 'yes' begins things. Saying 'yes' is how things grow.

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.