Stephen Colbert

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America--we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.

I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I__e always liked that phrase __e was visited by grief,_ because that__ really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It__ not like it__ in me and I__ going to deal with it. It__ a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don__ learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying __es_ begins things. Saying __es_ is how things grow. Saying __es_ leads to knowledge. __es_ is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say __es'.

If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.(Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)