Steven Wright

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn__ pay for.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there five syllables in the word __onosyllabic_?

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

If it__ zero degrees outside today and it__ supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

I have an inferiority complex, but it__ not a very good one.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.