Woody Allen

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

Photons have mass? I didn__ even know they were Catholic.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.