Woody Allen

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

If Jesus came back and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing-up.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.