Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Marriage is the death of hope.

I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

If there is reincarnation I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

Is sex dirty? Only if it is done right.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

If only God would give me a clear sign like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If I could only see one miracle just one miracle. Like a burning bush or the seas part or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.

I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I'm going to Lourdes.

Those modern analysts they charge so much! In my day for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

If I had my life to live over I wish I could be a great pianist or something.

Showing up is 80 percent of life.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Life doesn't imitate art it imitates bad television.

Ninety percent of living is just showing up.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work I want to achieve it through not dying.