Woody Allen

I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

The worst that you can say about him (God) is that basically he's an underachiever.

How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have instead of what you don't have.

The best thing to do is to behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen and under try not to go bald.

If you're not failing you're not trying anything.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Showing up is eighty percent of life.

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.

I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect but I still love him.

I'm not the heroic type really. I was beaten up by Quakers.

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.