Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender the other day and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.

bullshit french post-war rationalizing

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.