childhood-traumas

Childhood trauma does not come in one single package.

If you could get anything at all off Santa, what would it be?_ I asked for a fire engine and sweets. Bunty exclaimed in delight, __anta will get you that, but you and Scott will need to leave out a bowl of milk and some carrots for Rudolph._ __ho__ Rudolph?_ I asked. Bunty told me in confidence that Rudolph was Santa__ reindeer and that he helped pull all the children__ toys in the world over the snow. I couldn__ wait. In readiness for Rudolph, Scott, Martha, Bunty and I picked out four of the biggest carrots from a bag in the kitchen, which we then washed. We found a big bowl that we used to lick the cream out of, which we filled with milk. We put the bowl along with the carrots under the Christmas tree, with all the other children__ offerings. Then Bunty and Martha came in and washed us, put us to bed and read us a story, before kissing us good night. On their way out they said, __hen you wake up, Santa will have been'.

Gazing out of the window, the gravel path roared as it was crushed into submission under the wheels of the car that was taking me towards a menacing looking medieval castle with two huge and terrifying turrets that seemingly reached out towards me. I imagined that I was the gravel and the wheels of the car were the social care system.

Leading up to Christmas, there was talk of Santa. But I__ never even heard of Santa. Bunty, one of the workers who I grew to love, tried to explain, __e brings little angels like you, presents.

The rush I got from crime was better than that of glue, drink or hash. I loved playing cat and mouse with the local coppers. He Who Dares Wins, the SAS motto, was very applicable to my life then.

I'm still not sure if I was a victim or not... and if I was, who was my abuser?

Complexly traumatized children need to be helped to engage their attention in pursuits that do not remind them of trauma-related triggers and that give them a sense of pleasure and mastery. Safety, predictability, and "fun" are essential for the establishment of the capacity to observe what is going on, put it into a larger context, and initiate physiological and motoric self-regulation.

Eventually, however, the denial turned into emptiness and my childhood ended.