funny-and-random

Now give me some advice about how to take full advantage of this city. I__ always looking to improve my odds.___ust what I__ expect from a horny actuary._____ serious.__arlos reflected for a moment on the problem at hand. He actually had never needed or tried to take full advantage of the city in order to meet women, but he thought about all of his friends who regularly did. His face lit up as he thought of some helpful advice: __et into the arts.___he arts?___eah.___ut I__ not artistic.___t doesn__ matter. Many women are into the arts. Theater. Painting. Dance. They love that stuff.___ou want me to get into dance? Earthquakes have better rhythm than me_And can you really picture me in those tights?___ake an art history class. Learn photography. Get involved in a play or an independent film production. Get artsy, Sammy. I__ telling you, the senoritas dig that stuff.___eally?___eah. You need to sign up for a bunch of artistic activities. But you can__ let on that it__ all just a pretext to meet women. You have to take a real interest in the subject or they__l quickly sniff out your game.___ don__ know_It__ all so foreign to me_I don__ know the first thing about being artistic.___eeb, this is the time to expand your horizons. And you__e in the perfect city to do it. New York is all about reinventing yourself. Get out of your comfort zones. Become more of a Renaissance man. That__ much more interesting to women.

Speaking of body decorations, I luuhhhvv your belly piercing!_ Heeb said, looking at the gold ring in the center of her slim, tan waist. Despite the artic cold, Angelina had opted for a skin tight, black tube top that ended just above her belly, on the assumption that a warm cab, a winter coat, and a short wait to get into the club was an adequate frosty weather strategy. Heeb was still reverently staring at her belly when Angelina finally caught her breath from laughing.__o you really like it? You__e just saying that so that you can check out my belly!___nd what__ so bad about that? I mean, didn__ you get that belly piercing so that people would check out your belly?___o. I just thought it would look cool_Do you have any piercings?___ctually, I do,_ Heeb replied.__here?___y appendix.___uh?___ wanted to be the first guy with a pierced organ. And the appendix is a totally useless organ anyway, so I figured why the hell not?___hat__ pretty original,_ she replied, amused.__h yeah. I__e outdone every piercing fanatic out there. The only problem is when I have to go through metal detectors at the airport.__ngelina burst into laughs again, and then managed to say, __on__ you have to take it out occasionally for a cleaning?___ah. I figure I__l just get it removed when my appendix bursts. It__l be a two for one operation, if you know what I mean.

After reading some of my stories, I once had a friend say to me, "I'd love to spend five minutes in your head to see what's going on in there." I warned them, "If you spent five seconds in my mind you'd probably run out screaming and never speak to me again.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Yo Mama__ so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, __lap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

ROSA MET ME at the door with a shotgun. Strictly speaking, not aimed at me, but you don__ really have to aim a sawed-off shotgun. She swung it toward me. __ou, get in there._ She turned her attention to the crowd. __he rest of you will take a number and have a seat._ Her paperwork skills might have been lousy, but her personal touch was something I aspired to.

What__ the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone's been on a 747.

Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Yo Mama__ so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.

Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

Yo Mama__ so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Yo Mama__ so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.