humor

From Chapter 11 "Rainy Day Puppy" ("The Missing Tulip Bulbs"): The next few days were hard on the family. It rained. It was cold. Winter had returned. The puppy grew and gained energy equal to a neutron bomb. He bounced and chewed and barked.Everyone was exhausted, except for the puppy. -

I__ beginning to wish I__ had you deported after the first murder! Death seems to follow you around like the plague.

So much for the bimbo alert; if she read books like that, then there was a light on upstairs, above the splendid front porch.

Will there be cheese?" asked Chisolm.

I try to read and write something interesting every day.

I__ after a mugger,_ said Scout.__ hugger?_ said Clyde. He was a little deaf. __ would imagine you receive plenty of hugs. They probably come to you. Why would you have to go after them?___O!_ said Ike. __MMMugger, you nitwit._ He made m-m-m-m noises with his lips.

The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts.

Some people say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart--if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ.

There is no greater hell than realizing you're in love with the guy you hate.

If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong.

A wedding is no way to begin a marriage.

He's just a flash in the pants.

Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.

It's not who you know, it's who you sleep with.

A woman needs a man like a tuba needs a cucumber.

I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train.

Just when you think you have life by the tail, it's likely to whip around and take a hunk outta your balls.

I fear that someday you will abandon the joys we share and find another not worthy of your charms.