humor

It is far better to know the painful truth than to live with a kindly falsehood.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who enjoy a nice salami and those who have no souls.

All's well so long-as you don't get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge.

Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too.

There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers.

Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore.

You don't know many friends you have till you buy a big-ass house on the beach.

Love may be blind, but lust is just damn stupid.

It ate a party till someone ends up naked.

Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.

Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where there's a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have the indisputable advantage.

Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end.

Sometimes stupid is crime enough.

Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which.

False hope is better than no hope at all.

Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air.

And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever.

Love is like skydiving without a parachute.