nell

My thoughts are free to roam back to the way she leaned her head on my arm for a split second, as if wishing she could let herself go, let herself lean farther. But she didn't, and I can__ help but respect her for that, even I know her strength is false, propped up by the shaky girders of Old Man Jack. One day soon, those girders will collapse, and her world will crumble, and I know I have to be there when that happens.

The door slams in response, and I laugh. I'm glad she can laugh. It means she really is coping. I know she__ internalizing a lot, though. Putting on a show for me. She__l have new scars on her wrists soon.

I don't even know how long she sobs. Time ceases to pass, and she cries, cries, cries. Clutches me and makes these sounds of a soul being ripped in two, the grief so long denied taking its toll. Fermented grief is far more potent.

Let_it_go,_ he whispers, his voice a fierce, harsh sound in my hair. __o. No!_ The last word is screamed. __ou have to. You can__ bleed it out. You can__ keep pretending, drinking it down.

It__ not okay,_ I tell her. This gets her attention; it__ not what she was expecting. __ou don__ have to be okay._ __hat do you want from me?_ Her voice is ragged, desperate. __ want you to let yourself be broken. Let yourself hurt._ She shakes her head again. __ can__. If I let it out, it__l never stop._ __es, it will.

You can__ hold it in forever,_ Colton said, apropos of nothing. __es, I can._ I had to. __ou__l go crazy. It__l come out, one way or another._ __etter crazy than broken._ I wasn't sure where that came from, hadn't thought it or meant to say it. __ou__e not broken. You__e hurting.

She closes her eyes, and I can see the moisture. She__ deep-breathing again, and I notice her hands are clutched around the opposing wrists, nails digging in deep, hard, scratching. Pain to replace pain.

It wasn't supposed to. It was just supposed to stop you from hurting yourself._ __t helps__ __o it doesn't. It just pushes it away temporarily. Just like the booze._ __ut I need__ __ou need to let yourself feel. Feel it, own it. Then move on._ __ou make it sound so easy._ Bitterness drips from each syllable. __t__ not. It__ the fucking hardest thing a person can do._ I smooth a damp strand out of her face and away from my mouth. __t__ the hardest fucking thing. It__ why we drink and do drugs and fight. It__ why I play music and build engines.

But we have to learn to be free. We have to, Nell. Doesn't mean happy all the time, or okay all the time. It__ okay not to be okay. I told you that, but I'm relearning it myself. But not being okay doesn't mean you stop living.

I respect the hell out of her for how hard she__ working to be okay. I just wish she__ let me show her how to let go, how to let herself hurt. I want to take her pain.

Hot heart-blood leaked from my face. From my eyes and my nose and my mouth. Not tears, because those would never stop. This was just liquid heartbreak seeping from my pores.

But I think you__e beautiful. You__e lovely._ I shifted uncomfortably under the intense scrutiny and prickling heat in his eyes. __hanks?_ He thinks I'm_lovely? The idea that Kyle thought I was not just hot, but lovely, sent pangs of something like fear through me, an intense pressure in my heart.

Oh, god_ I whimper. __ haven__ done anything yet, baby,_ Colton growls. __ know,_ I pant. __ was just saying your name.

Let me go!_ she growls. __o._ __et me fucking go, Colton._ Her voice is tiny, scared, vulnerable, and vehement. __ou let go._ __hy?_ A hitch in her voice. __ecause holding on to it is killing you.

We have had this discussion before. You are my son. I love you. I will always love you. But I also love Nell, and if you give her the chance and stop rejecting her advances, she will take you into her heart as well.""Oh, yeah, like he's going to allow me to do that," I muttered

Yeah. I know why she cuts. I just don__ know the seed-reason. It__ deep inside her, and it__l take time and patience to get it out of her.

There__ no magical healing in this. I won__ wake up tomorrow fixed and joyful. I__l still hurt and grieve. But moments like this, with Colton? They make it all bearable. He doesn't fix me, doesn't heal me. He just makes life worthwhile. He helps me remember to breathe, shows me how to smile again. He kisses me, and I can forget pain, forget the urges I still have to cut for the pain that erases the emotions.

I did answer. I said a little. I'm afraid of what you can do. I mean, I feel safe with you, though. I know you__ never hurt me._ I take her face in my hands. It__ too familiar, too affectionate, too soon. I can__ help it, though. __ust the opposite. I will protect you. From others and from yourself. Always._ __hy?_ Barely audible. __ecause I want to. Because_ I struggle to find the right words. __ecause you deserve it, and you need it._ __o, I don__.