surreal

I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to put on Dave__ socks, before realising that he only had two feet, compared to Dave__ three.

Run. Flee. Fuck off. Vanish from my presence and take the foul stench of your sordid secret with you.

Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winter__ day.

Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she__ only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I grabs her head and I stuck it through a display of them Muller__ rices and I told her. That__ for shagging Kevin Cooper you stupid fucking cunt.

Tobak Davenport, who is a cross between some Sugar Puffs and Lynn Faulds-Wood, was squatting there before being removed by the local constabulary after he went round to complain about Luther Blisset__ pet turkey fouling the communal herb garden.

Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.

...his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was likely to prove troublesome. Although his mid-morning bab was usually undertaken in a more perfunctory manner, he would still have been mindful enough to ensure that his trousers were well below the knee before he commenced the disagreeable act, but in his current predicament, he was in no state to dally.

Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.

St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents in the bonnet, which distinguished it from the more common and less powerful XR3i.

A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.

You little prick. It's a whelk...it's a...it's a...dead whelk!

If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match was the second semi-final of the morning after Belinda Carlisle had been pipped at the post by Rusty Lee. Carlisle had caused some consternation after, upset at losing and forfeiting the chance to compete for the first prize of a quarter of midget gems, she had spat port in Lee__ handbag. Carlisle had been asked to leave and, after a brief tussle, had been ejected from the building whilst screaming and spitting in Simon Parkin__ face.

There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn__ hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.

I really hate that I need my glasses while using my laptop. What I hate even more is that I need those glasses to be full of vodka at all times.-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz

Walking out of the office, her nervous fingers made an ear out of the tissue in her pocket _ luckily the thin sheets wouldn't hold the shape, and unfurled as she threw it on the pavement. On the journey home, her bus ticket became a tongue.

She used to be all right, Una, when we were kids. I liked that she wasn't fussed about her antlers.

People die all the time. Life is a lot more fragile than we think. So you should treat others in a way that leaves no regrets. Fairly, and if possible, sincerely. It's too easy not to make the effort, then weep and wring your hands after the person dies. Personally, I don't buy it."Yuki leaned against the car door. "But that's real hard, isn't it?" she said."Real hard," I said. "But it's worth trying for.