yous

A good storyteller is a person who has a good memory and hopes other people haven't.

Remember if God had wanted this to be perfect he never would have had me up here.

The best way to save face is keep the bottom half shut.

Some people speak from experience while others from experience don't speak.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

I'd like to thank the committee that brought this event about. It was an equal endeavor. They did the food decorations and reservations and I did the traffic flow.

I noticed you weren't checking your watches - you've been shaking them.

The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.

A sense of humor is the ability to laugh at your own jokes when your friends tell them.

It is always dullest before the yawn.

I've been here so long . . . when I got here the Dead Sea wasn't even sick yet.

The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.

Another fine mess you've got us in Stanley.

I love a finished speaker I really truly do. I don't mean one who's polished I just mean one who's through.

If Noah found himself back on Earth you can bet all he would recognize would be the jokes.

Better to be king for a night than a schmuck for a lifetime.

It is almost impossible to find those who admire us entirely lacking in taste.

Ladies and gentlemen you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .