Christopher Dines

Hitting bottom is an inside job _ it's something that happens within our consciousness.

To stay true to ourselves and remain kind to others is an art. It does require daily vigilance and, at the same time, it__ important to remember that art can often get messy.

When you can begin to see the similarities between you and your work colleagues in respect of __eing human_ and the collective challenges we all face, it makes life much easier to deal with, especially when met with overbearing behaviour.

No one can control their results. We can, however, control our attitude. When we practise compassion, it is most effective when it is unconditional and free from seeking an outcome _ compassion is a matter of choice rather than a self-seeking action. And so, if we assist another human being from a place of presence and compassion, we are not looking to find our happiness off the back of others_ suffering. Nor are we trying to control them. Compassion is a conscious choice rather than an emotional knee-jerk reaction.

In my view, compassion takes empathy to another level. With compassion, there is an internal calling to move empathy into action. Compassion is love in action.

The process of recovering from addictiveness happens at a deeper level of consciousness and through feeling our pain without using old addictive fixes. There is no escaping that getting in touch with our original pain is the touchstone to mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.

Let__ remind ourselves that to be compassionate and forgiving doesn__ mean we are endorsing dysfunctional behaviour. On the contrary, it__ essential the harm that was inflicted upon us is properly validated and grieved. Forgiveness isn__ an intellectual concept or an airy-fairy idea. It__ a painstaking process. To be compassionate and to forgive mean we are gradually letting go of poisonous, toxic feelings that are trapped in our minds and bodies.

During the Meiji era, the Japanese Zen master, Nan-in had a visitor from a respected university _ a professor who wanted to learn about Zen. Nan-in served the professor a pot of tea, but when the cupwas full, he continued pouring until the cup was overflowing. The startled professor watched in amazement until he could no longer restrain himself from intervening, __he cup is full and no more will go in. You__e making a mess!_ __ike this cup,_ Nan-insaid, __ou are full of your own opinions, artificial concepts and negative speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?_ Like the learned professor who wanted to understand spirituality, you too must empty your cup and have an open mind and heart.

The University Student who accessed JoyI once asked several university students at a mindfulness workshop why they were so stressed. Below is a conversation I had with a young student:__hy do you get yourself so stressed out?_ __ecause I have so much work to do in order to pass my masters degree_, replied the student.__s the degree important to you?___f course it__ important. If I pass, I__l have the chance to work for a law firm and eventually become a junior partner_.__hy do you want to become a junior partner?___o that I can work my way up the ladder, have more influence and earn a lot of money_. __hy do you want to have a lot of influence and earn a lot of money?_ I asked.__f I have a lot of money and influence, I will have enough financial muscle to provide everything for my future wife and children._ __o you have your own family yet?_ __ot at the moment. I__ single but I want to prepare myself_, the student replied. __o, why do you want a partner and children?_ __ecause, I__l feel complete and satisfied_, the student replied. __o you mean that you will feel happier if you have all of these things?___eah, that__ it! I want to be happy and feel good about myself. I want happiness_. __hy don__ you just decide to be happy right now rather than spending most of your time desperately hoping to find happiness in something that hasn__ happened yet? You can still create your own reality and meet your dream partner but you can start to feel happy now before you meet her_.This conversation helped the student to see the futility of booking appointments in the future to be happy, when he could consciously make that choice in the present moment and also that he would have a much better chance of attracting his dream career and partner if he was vibrating joy in the present moment. The wonderful realization of mindful living is that we do not need an excuse to be happy and serene. Being joyful comes as a result of being mindful. Nothing more is required from us apart from honouring the nowness of life. What a startling revelation!!

When we practise self-compassion, we look after ourselves just as though we are nurturing a small child. In fact, a major part of grieving our original pain work (so that we can heal and be emotionally liberated) is to re-parent ourselves and reconnect with our inner child. This is what the author, John Bradshaw, meant by __eclaiming our inner child_. In recovery, we can begin to nurture our inner child and connect deeply with our heart and spirit.

When we seek to escape from inner conflict and pain, we are running away from unresolved childhood trauma or original pain. Most people with serious addictive natures who are in the process of recovery have found that trauma played a huge role in escalating their addictions. It certainly did for me.

In the addiction recovery community, we recognise that addicts can starve themselves of receiving social, sexual or emotional nourishment. Sex and love addicts starve themselves of a healthy, personal relationship and, consequently, deliberately avoid wholesome relationships with other human beings. We__e getting quite deep now, but there are many papers and books published on sexual and emotional anorexia. I have also suffered from emotional anorexia. It__ no myth!

The Karpman drama triangle is a classic model of codependent behaviour. First of all, a codependent will rescue someone. Then, when their __rave and charitable_ work hasn__ been acknowledged, they become very angry at the person they have attempted to rescue. And finally, they start to feel like a victim. They feel sorry for themselves and complain how the person they rescued never appreciated them. The important thing to learn here is that if a person wants to change, it__ because they have made a decision to do so.

Bottom lines are addictive behaviours that we make a conscious choice not to repeat. For example, a recovering cocaine addict would create a bottom line that they will not use a mind- or mood-altering substance to deliberately get high. A recovering sex addict might create a bottom line not to watch pornography or not to have sex without any emotional or spiritual connection. Bottom lines are a symbol of our intentions and are very useful at a practical level to address addictions. In many recovery communities, twelve-step fellowships and addiction rehabs, there is also a concept called __op lines_.

It was only when I started to reconnect with my inner child four years into recovery (I was over four years clean and sober off drugs and alcohol) and started to attend a love addiction support group that I was able to trust again and have faith that there are just as many honest and trustworthy women as there are women who are not interested in monogamy. However, it was after ten years of continuous recovery that I started to really dig deep into my childhood grief work and was finally able to reclaim my inner child. I started to take risks again. On a practical level, you can__ get very far in this world if you resent and distrust the opposite sex and, sadly, many men and women suffer in this area. Rather than celebrating the opposite sex, they fear them. Empathy and self-compassion has helped me in this area too.

It__ important to be aware that many families are dysfunctional, but we can change the patterns. Even if a child grew up in an aggressive or addictive household, they can heal and move past that with immense emotional resilience, wisdom and gratitude. This is what recovery can offer anyone who, like you, is open-minded, willing and ready to explore self-awareness and take action.

Tragically, because many addicts are not given sufficient love, nurturing and non-shaming dialogue at crucial stages in their early emotional development, they are on a quest to find contentment from a source outside of themselves. Their parents might have provided bountifully for them; however, their parents were never fully emotionally present while parenting, which made their children feel starved of emotional nourishment.

I don__ think I__e ever met an addict in long-term recovery who hasn__ gone through at least one traumatic childhood experience. Research indicates that one traumatic event in childhood is as grave as continuous combat in a war zone. A traumatic event during childhood can leave a grave imprint on the human body.