David Letterman

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

She represents the country Alamonia.

Ladies and gentlemen after what I've been through I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.

This guy put the suck in success.

Labour day is a great American holiday that peoplecelebrate by going out and buying products made in China