Gideon Defoe

Just then there came the wheezy sound of an accordion. It was an odd little tune that, had he been alive exactly one hundred and fifty years later, the scarf-wearing pirate would have recognized as the first few bars from __heme to Murder, She Wrote_.

I should say we__ reach England by Tuesday or thereabouts, with a decent wind behind us. It would be a lot quicker than that if we could just sail straight there, but I was looking at the nautical charts, and there__ a dirty great sea serpent right in the middle of the ocean! It has a horrible gaping maw and one of those scaly tails that looks like it could snap a boat clean in two. So I thought it best to sail around that.__itzRoy frowned. __ think they just draw those on maps to add a bit of decoration. It doesn__ actually mean there__ a sea serpent there.__he galley went rather quiet. A few of the pirate crew stared intently out of the portholes, embarrassed at their Captain__ mistake. But to everyone__ relief, instead of running somebody through, the Pirate Captain just narrowed his eyes thoughtfully.That explains a lot,_ he said. __ suppose it__ also why we__e never glimpsed that giant compass in the corner of the Atlantic. I have to say, I__ a little disappointed.

They both fell silent. For a while the only sound they could hear was the noise of books resting on shelves, which wasn__ really enough of a sound to distract them from the awkwardness of the moment.

That explains a lot,' he said. 'I suppose it's also why we've never glimpsed that giant compass in the corner of the Atlantic. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed.

The Captain was wearing his best blousey shirt, his beard was gleaming in the early morning light and he__ polished all his gold teeth. As he strode manfully towards the shore, the only thing that could have make him look even more heroic that he already did would have been the theme to Flash Gordon playing in the background, but it was a hundred and seventy years too early for that.

It__ not really my fault. The problem is that my mouth just comes out with these things. And you can__ blame me for what my mouth does, can you? Curse this mouth. Do you think it might be possessed?'The Pirate Captain looked in the mirror and made his mouth into a series of shapes he thought looked demonic.

In his time the Pirate Captain had made a number of dramatic entrances of his own _ not always intentional it had to be said, as quite often they were the result of him accidentally setting himself on fire _ but even he had to admit that Cutlass Liz__ dramatic entrance set an extremely high dramatic-entrance standard.

Everybody clapped enthusiastically and Dr. Marx popped up from behind the podium, where he had been hiding all along. He was the hairiest man the pirates had ever seen. Several of the crew were actually worried for a moment that the Seaweed That Walked Like a Man had returned from one of their previous adventures to ambush them. His nose was hairy. His forehead was hairy. Even his hands were hairy. And his beard was a great bushy black number, which looked like he had sellotaped a bunch of cats to the bottom of his face and then frightened them with a loud noise.

The Captain__ boat inspections were always pretty slapdash, because they mainly just involved him looking at the ropes and planks and barnacles and then nodding to show that he approved of whatever they happened to be doing.

I fear it is the end for us,_ wailed Marx as the bears inched closer. __s this the way you saw yourself going. Pirate Captain:__n fact,_ said the Captain grumpily, __t__ pretty much the exact situation I usually try to cheer myself up with when I__ in a bit of a fix. __t least you__e not about to be eaten by bears and/or fall into a replica volcano,_ I tell myself. So now I__e got to come up with an even worse scenario, which is a nuisance.

Here's your first problem," he said, pointing at a sentence. "'Religion is the opium of the people.' Well, I don't know about people, but I think you'll find that the opium of pirates is actual opium.

If the pirate with a scarf had been more poetically minded he__ have thought that her eyes were like a thousand emeralds, glittering in a far-off pirate treasure chest. But he wasn__, so he just thought that she had really really green eyes, a bit like seaweed.

I__ making a list of when it__ acceptable for a pirate to cry. [_] So far I__e got: one - when holding a seagull covered in oil. Two - when singing a shanty that reminds him of orphans. Three - when confronted with the unremitting loneliness of the human condition. Four - chops. I__e just written the word __hops_. Not really sure where I was going with that one. Any ideas?

If you knew how many hidden depths I had your pretty eyes would pop right out of your winsome face. Not literally of course - that would be disgusting. I wouldn__ envy the man who had to clean up a pair of popped eyes, especially given the state of this deck. I__ not sure we even have any cleaning products that work for popped eyes, although I suppose a general viscera cleaner would do the trick.