Sarah Silverman

Great News! If you quit being cunty the whole world will stop being against you!

I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.

Nothing seems crazy when you're used to it.

My stepfather, John O'Hara, was the goodest man there was. He was not a man of many words, but of carefully chosen ones. He was the one parent who didn't try to fix me. One night I sat on his lap in his chair by the woodstove, sobbing. He just held me quietly and then asked only, "What does it feel like?" It was the first time I was prompted to articulate it. I thought about it, then said, "I feel homesick." That still feels like the most accurate description - I felt homesick, but I was home.

Mother Teresa didn't walk around complaining about her thighs -- she had shit to do.

I like my life alone. I mean, I love being with friends, and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices.

But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.

Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts.

I have very vivid dreams - almost always action-adventure. I'm often on the run. I've always had dreams. When I was little, I'd go to sleep with my head on my hands, which were in fists like I was looking through a camera. I felt like sleep was the movies - just drifting off to the movies.

It's not cold in here, you're just dying.

Some people need Hell. If you__e the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, __ey, now there__ something I could rape and kill without any consequences,_ then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.

To all you sensitive sallys out there who spend your time scribing angry letters, I have great news: Scientific models show that in the not-too-distant future, all the races will become so completely interbred that humanity will have a monolithic caramelish color and common facial features. There won't be blonds or hairy Jews anymore.Words like "Chink" will cease to have meaning. They will be relics, along with those who use them for comedy. Which is exactly why I am past that meta-racist shit and onto poop and pee. Onward and downward!