autistic-author

I mean: if you__e going outside to look for your sister, I get it._ Max goes silent. Maybe Mirjam__ death is hitting him now, maybe his voice will choke__ut he goes on. __ut if you__e going outside to help your mother . . ._ He gestures helplessly at my injured arm. His fingers stop a centimeter away, hovering in midair. __on__ risk it. Don__ risk you.___he__ my mother.___he captain will never let her on if she doesn__ even try. Not when there are so many people who haven__ had thechance to try. People we can use on the ship. People who have been on that waiting list forever.__here are a dozen things I want to say. But she__ mymother__s though that means as much as people pretend it does.She is trying, just in a different way__s though I__ convincing myself.I wasn__ on that waiting list, either.I might not be someone the ship can use, as much as I__ trying to be.

That__ very trusting._ Iris watches Anke search our backpacks.__e__e saving people__ lives. We thought we could be,__nke says. I__ more fixated on her arm in my backpack than on what she__ saying, though. That bag is nearly empty, but it__ mine. She__ messing it up. Her hands might not even be clean.When she does stop, I immediately wish she hadn__. __enise,_ she says, __ need to search your bed next.__y gaze flicks to my pillow. __. I. Could I.___he doesn__ like people touching her bed._ Iris stands, guarding me.__ou__e touching it,_ Captain Van Zand__ brother says.Iris shoots him a withering look. __ sat at the foot, which is the only place that__ OK for even me to touch, and I__ her sister.__nke__ sigh sounds closer to a hiss. __ook, we have more rooms to search.__ squirm. No. Not squirm. I__ rocking. Back and forth. __ait,_ I say.__ou can____ Iris goes on.__ust __ause she__ too precious to__ the man argues.__ait,_ I repeat, softer this time, so soft that I__ not even sure Iris hears it. __an I, can I just, wait. I can lift the sheets and mattress myself. You can look. Right? Is that good? Right? Is that good? If I lift them?_ I force my jaw shut.No one says anything for several moments. I can__ tell if Anke is thinking of a counterargument or if she really is trying to make this work. Her lips tighten. __K. If you listen to my instructions exactly.___ou__e indulging her?_ Captain Van Zand__ brother says. __he__ just being difficult. Have you ever seen an autistic kid? Trust me, they__e not the kind to take water scooters into the city like she did.___enise, just get it done,_ Anke snaps.I don__ stand until they__e far enough away from the bed, as if they might jump at me and touch the bed themselves regardless. I blink away tears. It__ dumb, I know that____ treating Anke__ hands like some kind of nuclear hazard__ut this is my space, mine, and too little is left that__ mine as is. I can__ even face Iris. With the way she tried to help, it feels as though I__ betraying her by offering this solution myself.I keep my head low and follow Anke__ orders one-handed. Take off both the satin and regular pillowcases, show her the pillow, shake it (although I tell her she can feel the pillow herself: that__ OK, since the pillowcases will cover it again anyway)__ift the sheets, shake them, lift the mattress long enough for her to shine her light underneath, let her feel the mattress (which is OK, too, since she__ just touching it from the bottom) . . .They tell us to stay in our room for another hour.I wash my hands, straighten the sheets, wash my hands again, and wrap the pillow in its cases.__hat was a good solution,_ Iris says.__orry,_ I mutter.__or what?__eing difficult. Not letting her help me. I keep my eyes on the sheets as I make the bed and let out a small laugh.

She unwinds her scarf, taking so long about it that I wonder if she expects me to respond. __ou were following the rules,_ I offer after a minute. It makes her words no more pleasant. Resentment. Was that how she__ looked at me? Then how am I supposed to trust how she looks at me now?My words elicit a thankful smile. __ostly, though, I knew you could do the job. Did you ever know other autistic people?__ shake my head. I__ heard rumors about one teacher, but never asked him. Mom had encouraged me to find a local support group, but I__ never seen the appeal__r the need. It wouldn__ change anything. I had friends, anyway. Peopleonline, my fellow volunteers at the Way Station. I even got along with Iris__ friends.__ell, I did, and I feel like a fool for never recognizing your autism. I had autistic colleagues at the university. They were accommodated, and they thrived. One researcher came in earlier than everyone else and would stay the longest. I saw the same strengths in you once I knew to look for them. You__e punctual, you__e precise, you__e trustworthy. When you don__ know something, you either figure it out or you ask, and either way, you get it right. I wanted to give you the same chance my colleagues had, and that other Nassau passengers got. One of the doctors is autistic__id you know?_ Els silences an incoming call. __oes that answer your question?