introductions

I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make it interesting.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

Thank you for the privilege of speaking to you in this magnificent auditorium. You know the meaning of the word auditorium don't you? It is derived from two Latin words audio "to hear " and taurus "the bull."

As my mother used to say: "Mimic a duck act calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like crazy underneath."

When I was preparing for this speech I asked my family for advice. One member replied "There's a first time for everything so try to be funny and brief."

I was chosen to speak today based on my senility.

On how to become a good speaker: Practice all the time. One of the best ways is to put a bunch of marbles in your mouth while you talk. Slowly but surely you take away a marble. And then when you've lost all your marbles you're a public speaker.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist Jack.

I'd like to tell you some jokes now but you'd only laugh.

The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.

A lot of you want me to hurry through the introduction. That's because you're so much older you don't want to waste a minute of your life.

A bore is a man who spends so much time talking about himself that you can't talk about yourself.

I was told to be accurate be brief and then be seated. ... So I promise I shall be brief as possible - no matter how long it takes me.

When I told her we were going to roast her she said "Of course . . . they only crucify the innocent."

If any of you are related to our main guest let me know so I can speak slowly.

A speech that's full of sparkling wit will keep its hearer grinning provided its end is close to its beginning.

This gathering is what I call "intimate " which really means "Where is everybody?"

I was chosen to speak due to my warm personality. . . . Look up warm and it means "not so hot."