paraphrased

All these people talk so eloquently about getting back to good old-fashioned values. Well, as an old poop I can remember back to when we had those old-fashioned values, and I say let's get back to the good old-fashioned First Amendment of the good old-fashioned Constitution of the United States -- and to hell with the censors! Give me knowledge or give me death!

When the going gets tough, the tough get a librarian.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.

Charity . . . is the opium of the privileged.

We have two ears and only one tongue in order that we may hear more and speak less.

Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing.

I gave you all!" screeched Lear, waving a palsied claw at Regan."And you took your bloody time giving it, too, you senile old fuck," said Regan.

Some are born great, others achieve greatness.

Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.

We have seen the best minds of our generation destroyed by boredom at poetry readings.

It is a truth universally acknowledge that there will always be a gentleman to dance with, except at just the moment when you require one most.

Michael was still an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, coated in yum. Only now the enigma was a little less mysterious; I was a few clues closer to solving the riddle - but damn, that man would always be coated in yum.

Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.

You could know a man not by what his friends said about him, but by how he treated his servants.

If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.