quips

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.

Her face was her chaperone.

Equal opportunity is good but special privilege even better.

In baiting a mousetrap with cheese always leave room for the mouse.

Early to bed early to rise work like hell and advertise.

I have admired W.C. Fields since the day he advanced upon Baby LeRoy with an ice pick. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.

A diplomat these days is nothing but a head waiter who is allowed to sit down occasionally.

Forgetting of a wrong is a mild revenge.

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age he had been dead for two years.

A man of words and not of deeds Is like a garden full of weeds.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put his pants on.

'Are you lost daddy?' I asked tenderly. 'Shut up ' he explained.

The ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now if I was a grave digger or even a hangman there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

I used to be snow-white . . . but I drifted.

Every path has its puddle.

When you have got an elephant by the hind leg and he is trying to run away it is best to let him run.

Mother: It's broccoli dear. Child: I say it's spinach and I say the hell with it.