Sometimes I wonder if my heart is like a black hole--it's so dense that there's no room for light, but that doesn't mean it can't still suck me in.
Time went by and there wasn__ even sadness.__ou know how another patient put it? She said this feeling inside her was . . . it was anti-feeling. Like a black hole in space, and everything__appiness, anger, hope, meaning__t would all get sucked in, tipped over the event horizon, and she couldn__ feel any of it. That__ the way it was for me. I walked around like everyone else, and had this wonderful opportunity at the museum, and came home to this brilliant guy who loved me and was nothing but sweet. Your father tried so hard. But I felt . . . empty. If I could__e filled that space up with anything, I would__e. If somebody had turned to me and said, __t__ easy, just pour some dry cement in there and you__l be a normal human girl,_ I would__e done it like that._ She snaps her fingers. __ut I couldn__. And your father couldn__ do it for me.
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Time went by and there wasn__ even sadness.__ou know how another patient put it? She said this feeling inside her was . . . it was anti-feeling. Like a black hole in space, and everything__appiness, anger, hope, meaning__t would all get sucked in, tipped over the event horizon, and she couldn__ feel any of it. That__ the way it was for me. I walked around like everyone else, and had this wonderful opportunity at the museum, and came home to this brilliant guy who loved me and was nothing but sweet. Your father tried so hard. But I felt . . . empty. If I could__e filled that space up with anything, I would__e. If somebody had turned to me and said, __t__ easy, just pour some dry cement in there and you__l be a normal human girl,_ I would__e done it like that._ She snaps her fingers. __ut I couldn__. And your father couldn__ do it for me.
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Certainly the most destructive vice if you like, that a person can have. More than pride, which is supposedly the number one of the cardinal sins - is self pity. Self pity is the worst possible emotion anyone can have. And the most destructive. It is, to slightly paraphrase what Wilde said about hatred, and I think actually hatred's a subset of self pity and not the other way around - ' It destroys everything around it, except itself '. Self pity will destroy relationships, it'll destroy anything that's good, it will fulfill all the prophecies it makes and leave only itself. And it's so simple to imagine that one is hard done by, and that things are unfair, and that one is underappreciated, and that if only one had had a chance at this, only one had had a chance at that, things would have gone better, you would be happier if only this, that one is unlucky. All those things. And some of them may well even be true. But, to pity oneself as a result of them is to do oneself an enormous disservice.I think it's one of things we find unattractive about the american culture, a culture which I find mostly, extremely attractive, and I like americans and I love being in america. But, just occasionally there will be some example of the absolutely ravening self pity that they are capable of, and you see it in their talk shows. It's an appalling spectacle, and it's so self destructive. I almost once wanted to publish a self help book saying 'How To Be Happy by Stephen Fry : Guaranteed success'. And people buy this huge book and it's all blank pages, and the first page would just say - ' Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself - And you will be happy '. Use the rest of the book to write down your interesting thoughts and drawings, and that's what the book would be, and it would be true. And it sounds like 'Oh that's so simple', because it's not simple to stop feeling sorry for yourself, it's bloody hard. Because we do feel sorry for ourselves, it's what Genesis is all about.