humor

Paying attention is more important to reliability than moving slowly. Because he pays close attention, a Navy pilot can land a 40,000 lb. aircraft at 140 miles per hour on a pitching carrier deck, at night, more safely than the average teenager can cut a bagel.

Merrill Krause - "My brothers have scared off just about any fellow who showed interest in getting to know me."Granny Lassiter - "Well, if a man can't stand up to those brothers of yours, you needn't even consider him. A man ought to be able to hold his own with his wife's family.

Never put off until tomorrow that which may be avoided entirely.

Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion.

When facing unbeatable odds, just think of yourself as unbeatably odd. (The Hero's Guide to Being a Hero)

BE CAREFUL, OR BE ROADKILL!

You know Quinn?" Macaulay asked me."Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed."Macaulay grinned. "I hope you keep his acquaintance like that - social""Meaning what?"Macaulay's grin became rueful. "He used to be my broker, and his advice led me right up to the poorhouse steps.""That's sweet," I said. "he's my broker now and I'm following his advice." Macaulay and the girl laughed. I pretended I was laughing and returned to my table.

Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test it against each of your twelve problems to see whether it helps. Every once in a while there will be a hit, and people will say, 'How did he do it? He must be a genius!

I like to think of this little [newspaper] column as a brassière, or do I mean brasserie? Brazier, possibly. All three! A column that lifts, separates, supports, serves excellent cappuccino and crackles merrily with sweet-smelling old chestnuts.

'We're not... we haven't been writing poetry and sprinkling rose petals and tripping hand in hand under rainbows, Kay.' 'Just because you have Y chromosomes doesn't mean you can't tell each other how you feel, Dylan. Your penises won't fall off if you do.'

It is good to brush your teeth when you are angry, because you brush harder and do a better job.

Mostly you love them and you cherish their milestones but occasionally you do want to tape them to a chair. That would be child abuse, DO NOT TAPE YOUR CHILDREN TO CHAIRS. If you want to tape your baby dolls to chairs, be my guest. I am fairly certain that there isn't like a Cabbage Patch CPS.

Those who believe everything they read probably should refrain from reading.

You can't lead when you have not been loaded with the skills of immagination.

We've got this heat going on, that's all. If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not go into that end ofthings.""Oh, it's all the same to me. You're both adults and you got two working brains between you. Bothof you were raised right, so what you do is your own business. Next time, though, lock the damn doorfirst.

Remember, people who peek through keyholes have to expect an occasional poke in the eye.

In second grade my second love wrote "I love you" on a scrap of paper and dropped it on my desk as he passed by. He was very shy and sullen. When he moved to another school at the end of the term, I was heartsick. I thought about him all summer. But I learned then that we do outgrow people and our tastes do change. One should not marry until one is older. At least ten.

I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning. -Milo