humor

There's a lot more to ridin' a horse than just sittin' in the saddle and lettin' yer feet hang down.

You can just about always stand more 'n you think you can.

I go on the presumption that everyone's full of shit until proven otherwise, and this usually serves me in good stead.

If you forget your lines, you had better mumble with conviction.

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).

Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

Gran, for the gods' love, it's talk like yours that starts riots!" I said keeping my voice down. "Will you just put a stopper in it?"She looked at me and sighed. "Girl, do you ever take a breath and wonder if folk don't put out bait for you? To see if you'll bite? You'll never get a man if you don't relax."My dear old Gran. It's a wonder her children aren't every one of them as mad as priests, if she mangles their wits as she mangles mine."Granny, "I told her, "this is dead serious. I can't relax, no more than any Dog. I'm not shopping for a man. That's the last thing I need.

Conscience is like a pet: If you spoil it by too much attention it'll start yipping at the most inopportune times.

Here are the two states in which you may exist: person who writes, or person who does not. If you write: you are a writer. If you do not write: you are not. Aspiring is a meaningless null state that romanticizes Not Writing. It__ as ludicrous as saying, __ aspire to pick up that piece of paper that fell on the floor._ Either pick it up or don__. I don__ want to hear about how your diaper__ full. Take it off or stop talking about it.

If you enjoy sticking a straw in a dog's ear, don't sit next to the pooch with a milkshake.

Until you stalk and overrun, you cannot devour anyone.-Hobbes

Find out what people want to do, then tell them to do it. They'll think you're a genius.

You want some advice?""Yes""Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I have never yet figured out what to do about good advice that you get, and that you know right away would help you, but that you cannot follow.

And stop talking in that puffed-up way they taught you. Words aren't brains, you know.

You make me smile like the sun, fall out bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head. Spin like a record crazy on a sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breath, shine like the sun buzz like a bee, just the thought of you can drive me wild. Oh you make me smile. -Uncle Kracker-

Never ask an elf for help; they might decide your better off dead, eh?