comedian

As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don____hichever seems likelier to win an effect.

Shut up_let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you__e just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you__e real. I don__ have enough time in any day to think about you enough...I don__ even think about women anymore. I think about you.

To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.

My ship came in,then it sank!

Every job from the heart is, ultimately, of equal value. The nurse injects the syringe; the writer slides the pen; the farmer plows the dirt; the comedian draws the laughter. Monetary income is the perfect deceiver of a man's true worth.

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?

You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you__e smart, you__l end up as a comedian. If you__e not, you__l end up as a clown.

The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!

Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.

The comedian sticks as religiously to her theme as a dancer sticks to a diet.

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.